We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

Heh, well, it looks like the chatterbox problem has been solved... or has it? I know who has down this but since I am such a nice person, I decided not to say who the culprit is. Culprit, I hope you read the message that Aya posted on her chatterbox.. because she is right what she said about you...

Today is the last day of school, well, I still have to take those damned exams.. For some reason, I don't want to leave Marist--yet. ..I'm going to miss my teachers, including Mr. DeFeo. He was a great teacher and so was Mr. Schilp, Ms. McGhee, Ms. Urban.. and should I include Mr. Murphy... after all those damned PPTs I had to do? Hm.. I don't know, I guess he was pretty okay. Oh yeah!!! In World Civ today, when I was working on my 200-PPT test, Mr. Murphy started rapping! omG, it was funny.. and original. =D It was about PPTs and stuff, at the end, he went like, " (something, something) I'm not a fool, I'm gonna send yoo to summa school!" Aw man... heh. At Computer, I managed to complete my Power Point Presentation (Computer Exam) on Illinois but the problem was.... every time I tried to save it onto a floppy disk (Ms. Puszcz wanted it to be saved onto a floppy disk) it kept saying that there was no room left. I guess it was because my Power Point Presentation's file size thing was too large. Ms. Puszcz said she'll look at my Presentation at my computer so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

In Religion, during prayer, Ms. McGhee told us about change..

Ain't What I Used To Be
I've heard it said, "Be content with what you have, but never too content with what you are."

There is a story that comes out of Asia about a farmer who saw a tiger's tail swishing between two large rocks. In a moment of haste, he grabbed the tail and pulled. (Heh, that wasn't a very wise thing to do..) All of a sudden he realized he had an angry tiger by the tail and only two rocks stood between him and the tiger's teeth and claws! So there he remained, afraid to loosen his grip on the enraged animal's tail lest he surely be killed.

A monk happened to come by and the farmer called out in desperation, "Come over here and help me kill this tiger!" (Gosh, and he didn't even say 'please' ..lol, lemme stop..)

The holy man said, "Oh, no. I cannot do that. I cannot take the life of another." (And plus, tigers are endangered species. =|.. ) Then he went on to deliver a homily against killing. All the while, the farmer was holding tightly to the tail of an angry tiger.

When the monk finally finished his sermon, the farmer pleaded. "If you won't kill the tiger, then at least come hold its tail while I kill it." (omG.. thats not right.. I feel sorry for the tiger. o_o; )

The monk thought that perhaps it would be all right to simply hold the tiger's tail, so he grabbed hold and pulled. The farmer, however, turned and walked away down the road.

The monk shouted after him, "Come back here and kill the tiger!"

"Oh, no," the farmer replied. "You have converted me!"

Conversion is nothing more than change. With money, conversion can be the change of a bill into coin or the change of the currency of one country into the currency of another. On the human level, conversion can be a change in beliefs, a change in ideas, a change in attitudes, a change in behaviors or a change in priorities. If the largest room in the world is "room for improvement," then it is good to leave plenty of room for change.

I like the old southern American slave's prayer:

"O God, I ain't what I ought to be
and I ain't what I'm a-goin' to be.
But thanks to you, I ain't what I used to be!"

-- Uknown (This was on the paper that Ms. McGhee handed out, heh)

Hm.. at 1 PM, I started cleaning out my locker 'till it was empty.. I couldn't get any free ice cream 'cause I fogrot to ask Ms. Urban for a ticket.. or something, in order to get ice cream. Oh well.. but I did get a free Marist year book.. it looks like it's worth $6 or more. (This was in the gymnasium) Everyone started signing year books and so I did the same. I got some nice comments from my teachers as well.. even Mr. Murphy signed my year book.

People Who Signed My Book:

Jalisa : Hey Berne (she didn't know how to spell my name so she just put that, heh) It's Jalisa. Have a good summer. I hope to see u soon. -smiley face-

Alyssa D. : Have fun furing the summer.

Musa : You are one of the more interesting freshmen I met this year. Not a lot of people here watch anime or understood Japanese culture, and it was kool to have sum1 to talk to about that. Even though for the 1st week of knowing u I didn't get more then 1 word out of u. Shyness is a good thing sumtimes. Have a great summer. Hopefully, I'll see u at otakon. Call me if you want to find out about it.

Kimpy (Kimberly) : Hey Bee! Have a great summer! Don't change! I'll miss you! Come back next year!

Erin : To Bee, Good luck next year and have a great summer.

(Oh yeah, I let Antonio -the boy that's sometimes being made fun of and stuff- sign my book but he only put his name. Hm.. it'd be nice if he wrote more.)

Nadine : Hey, hope to see you again soon.

Paula : Hey!! Imma miss you and your quiet ways...lol... Bye and Good Luck!!

Gilles (pronounced Jyles) : Wazup. Stay Kool.

Eddie (some boy who is in my HR class, I don't even talk to him much, lol) : I hope you have a great summer! Hope to see you next year! -smiley face-

Kendra : Stay cool, ok. (o_o; Okay.. )

Viv (Vivienne) : You draw reeeally pretty! Send me one! Haha! (Heh, she gave me her e-mail so I could send her a drawing.. she's a big anime fan.)

Ramon : Have a good summer. It was fun getting to know you. See you next year.

Alexas : Hope you have fun this year. (Heh, when I signed her book, I added "Be good, okay?")

Alexandra : B. <-- doesn't sound too good but HOLLA. Aw, you were such a sweet heart, don't change. Have a wicked summer full of fun. Love ya. P.S. Congrats on exemptions! (She didn't feel like writing my full name so I told her to put "Bee", heh, but she left out the two e's)

Faculty

Sister Rita (English) : To Bernadette - One of the nicest, finest, smartest.. It has been my pleasure to work with you. God Bless.

Coach Zach (Vice-Principle for Discipline) : Bernadette, You are one of our treasures. Have a great Soph. year. The best is yet to come. (..really? o_o; )

Mr. Daniel DeFeo : Bernadette, Thank you for everything. You're an excellent person and student--you're going to be a success. Thank you for everything. (o_o; He wrote that twice.. xD heh, he was the best Spanish teacher I ever had.. he's not going to Marist anymore 'cause he ..uh.. joined this thing.)

Ms. Maura McGhee (Religion) : It was a great pleasure having you in class this year. You are a terrific person! See you next year!

Mr. Thomas Murphy (World Civ. ) : Bernadette, a great girl. Hope I teach you again. (Pfft.. yah right. xD )

Mr. Chris Schilp (Physical Science) :You were a pleasure as always. Smile. (As you see, I don't smile much in school, heh) Trust me if.. -okay, I had a little difficulty reading my teacher's handwriting- Be crazy and live life, trust me. (Ok, ok, I'll trust you! xD ) As a person be louder. Lots of Luck.

Ms. Laurie Urban (Algebra) : Congratulations on such a great freshmen year. You have so much ability so keep up all you hard work. It was such a pleasure to have you in class. I'm going to miss you so make sure you stop by my classroom and say hi next year. Good luck next year and have a great summer.

.....

.......Heh, I just found out that the name of the boy who sits next to me (to my right) is Derkyl, not Miguel. Lol, I'm such an idiot.

I really don't feel like explaining what happened on this day so I'll make it short. I went, with my aunt, uncle, and my sister, to this Italian restaurant in NY for this baby's first birthday. I even forgot what the baby's name was. The baby was the daughter of my auntie's friend. I really didn't eat much but my favorite meal was the appetizer (different kind of pieces of bread that you dip in olive oil) and some pasta (it included spagetti). When it the 'big' meal arrived (I ordered ..chicken with something) I felt like I wanted to throw up so I didn't eat a lot of it. "Bernadette, you didn't even eat. You only ate 1 piece (of chicken)," my Ninang Noemi said as the waiter collected everyone's plate. "No, I ate three..," I said. Heh, I was talking to Ashley on my cell most of the time. I was the only girl my age there.. surrounded by babies, some kids, adults, and a couple of old people. They had this question game composed of three questions. If a person gets a question right, they get a prize.

The first question was: Guess the exact height and weight of the baby.
Well, of course I didn't know the answer. This other man said the correct answer. o_o;

The second question was: How many diaper changes has -baby's name- had for her 1st year.
...They actually counted how many times they changed their daughter's diaper...? ..Well, that's, um, creative. XP.. Again, I didn't know the answer or answered the question correctly.

The third and last question was: How many gallons of milk has the baby had for her first year?
"It has to be less than 200. She takes after her father, " said the father's twin brother. The father was in Iraq--he's a soldier. Ashley told me on the cell phone, "He must be one of those fathers/men who say, 'I'll be back when it's our daughter's first birthday, I promise.'" Heh, the answer was 60 gallons. I said, "He could've said less than 100 instead of 200.. gosh.. and I said 195. That's no where near 60." xD

Heh, my sister kept putting sugar in my auntie's cappucino and I said, "Dymphna, that's enough. She (Ninang Noemi) might go hyper." My aunt and I started laughing. Oh yeah, I also liked the cake but the filling was a little too sweet. After the party, we helped Tita Daisy (mother of baby) bring her stuff (gifts, etc.) over to her place. Next we came back to my place (home town) and my sister bought something at Rite Aid.. Then we stopped by my Ninang's place so she could get this blouse that my Auntie Nimfa (from Philippines. "If the blouse doesn't fit, give it to me because I like it, " my aunt said, handing the blouse over to me.

When I got home, I tried the blouse on and it fit. Heh, it looked nice, too. I got online.. bla bla bla.. and when my sister wanted to go on the compie, I called Chris.. When he had to go, I started writing a story. Heh, that's how bored I got.. and my story sounds crappy. I don't even know if I should finish it or not.

Story: Untitled
(Note: This story has nothing to do with me at all, except that I wrote it. o_o; )

"I hate you--all of you! No one understands me... no one ever will!," said the girl, trying to hold back the salty droplets of water that are about to spill out of her eyes.

"You know, you could become an actress some day. Why don't you join the drama club?," asked the girl's older brother, sarcastically.

Breaking down with tears, the girl turned around and ran up the stairs. As soon as she entered her room, she slammed the door behind her.

"Miguel, that wasn't a very nice thing to say," said the father, looking over to the girl's older brother. "You know that she's not feeling well." The father, Mr. Ollivon, had a gentle tone in his voice, having a compassionate personality.

Miguel stuck his hands in his jeans pockets and leaned against the wall, being in the living room. He put one foot up against the wall and looked at his father. "But dad, " said Miguel, "Suzanne is always so dramatic. I think she would seriously become a great actress. She might even be in some soap opera, right Mom?"

"Damned soap operas, I hate 'em..," Mrs. Ollivon muttered as she stepped into the living room. The skinny, but quite muscular woman sat down on the couch and turned the television on with the remote. "The girl better toughen up some if she doesn't want them kids beatin' her up all the time," said the mother, flipping through the channels to see if anything good is on.

"Hey! Let's send her to some boot camp or something," Miguel said, smiling broadly.

Mrs. Ollivon looked at her son for a moment and shook her head. "Suzanne will give up on the first day.."

The father let out a sigh and made his way over to his daughter's room. He stood in front of the door and knocked.

Suzanne was on her bed, curled up into a ball, hugging her pillow tightly as she cried. She cough a bit, choking in her river of tears. "Go away, I don't want your fucking sympathy," the poor girl uttered, "Leave me here to die.."

Mr. Ollivon raised a brow and placed his hand on the door, leaning forward a little. "Oh, Suzanne.. I will never let that happen. Please, let me come in."

"No..," replied Suzanne, "Leave me alone."

Again, Mr. Ollivon sighed and walked back downstairs. He sat down next to his wife on the couch and stared at the television.

"Stop your worryin', she'll be better by tommorow, " said Mrs. Ollivon to her husband, her eyes still fixed on the television screen.

"But I feel so helpless.."

"Oh hush now," the mother said, now looking at him. "All she needs is some time alone."

"Maybe we need to spend more time with her.." (father said that..)

And so today is Sunday.. heh, I dont have to go to school tommorow since I'm exempt from the exams being held on that day.. but then I have to go on Tuesday and Wednesday to take the others.. I'm probably going to do some studying today.. if I don't get lazy, that is.. =|

-- Ashley found out about something. She saw that someone, using MY name, posted in Aya's and Erma's xanga. Of course, I got angry about it.. but not that angry that I could break something. I could easily proove that that person is not me.. just take a look at the spelling and grammar.

This was found in Aya's chatterbox. Does that look like it was typed up by me? Gosh, I feel so embarrassed. I feel like this person is making a fool out of me.. well, whoever did this.. grrr.. and I do not make up such stupid (you hear me, person-whoever-did-this, stupid!) songs!

This is another one.. take a look at THAT! What the fuck.. of course, no one should believe that this idiot is I, Bernadette! My goodness, this is ridiculous.. First of all, I would NEVER say that I draw better than anyone... Oh God.. if this keeps up.. I'm really going to be angry...

Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be more lovely if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.

||[Horoscope]||

The prevailing tone of the day is a mix of conflicting energies that might put some stress on your heart, but this is nothing you can't handle, Bee. In fact, if anyone is going to make the most out of today, it will be you. Tap into your aggressive nature and act boldly toward the object of your desire. At the same time, however, make sure that there is harmony among those around you, and make sure everyone's needs are taken care of so that peace may exist among all.

- - - -

...I would add more but if I talk about what happened today and about some other stuff, that "Fake Bee" might do another STUPID thing.. Sorry everyone..

Look in the mirror. The face that pins you with its double gaze reveals a chastening secret.

SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century.

When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!
"Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and have your head struck off by the public executioner at three o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?"
"Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable and treasonous head."
"To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.
"To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi."
"Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the Presence.
"Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"
"Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."
Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident.
All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled and his breath came in gasps of terror.
"Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office."
So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.

..Ah I don't know.. I thought it sounded uh.. interesting. Anyway, the week is almost over and tommorow is Firday, which will be a half-day of school. Tommorow I will be cleaning out my locker and stuff like that. I was unable to complete my Power Point Presentation today in Computer, this being the last day to finish it up. Hopefully, I'll have time to complete it tommorow.. and if I don't complete it tommorow, I think it'll effect my grade. Sister Rita said I will be exempt from the English Final Exam.. thank God. I also might be exempt from the Spanish Final Exam... because I am so damned good in that subject.. xD

I would've been exempt from the Physical Science if I hadn't gotten that 87 in the first marking period.. and for the other subjects, I didn't get above a 90 in the midterms.. Oh well.. The World Civ. exam is going to be a pain in the ass, like World Civ.'s midterm exam. I still can't believe I got a 73 (or something) in Algebra's midterm exam.. maybe I should've gotten more sleep at that time.. then my brain would've worked okay. ...My mother says I can't go to Dickinson because it's too far.. and she wants me to go to County Prep. -sigh- ..Hm..

My brain will be my weapon...

..The pencil, its bullet..

.........The exams, my enemy. ..

My Ninang Noemi said I'll be going to Florida on July 3 and stay there 'till the 8th. Heh, I guess it'll be fun.. I've never been to Florida before... or maybe I have.. I still remember the time my mother called me an embarrassment to the family (Dymphna, too..).. I guess I have to proove to her that I could .. be a better person. Heh, I washed the dishes today.. I should do that more often. I think I'm going to give away some of my anime stuff.. er.. maybe not, since my sister is probably going to keep them. Tommorow, my mother is going to teach me how to work the washing machine.. I think I should join more school activities, the next school year, that is..

..There are those times when you feel like you just want to die, right? Perhaps I've talked about this already.. have I? There are many reasons for feeling this way.. you all know what they are. feeling worthless, not being able to take life anymore.. etc etc.. Of course, you have to go through rough things in life.. but in the end, maybe you'll find happiness. If a person thinks no one cares about him/her, well, they may be wrong. Heh.. I'm not good with these kind of things.. like.. giving people advice and such.. In the past, I attempted to kill myself.. but every time, I didn't do it. Now I know there are people that have a harsher, worse life than mine.. and if I killed myself, it'll only make others sad. (Plus, I'd be condemned to hell.) Ashley, please don't kill yourself.. it'll just make things worse. You're one of the very few people who understand me, who can make my day bright.. You're not worthless, just think about it. Remember all those times we've had together, those fun times?? You know how sad I'd be if you were gone?.. Heh, you even joined more school activities that I did, art and that Aries program. I only joined art and I even dropped out of it because it got boring.

Heh, Ashley, I'm going to dedicate this post to you because you're one of the few people who are special to me. I hope you're reading this, too. To be honest, I don't know that much about you and I plan on learning more about you. I know I failed in trying to persuade my mother to make me go to Dickinson but I know you'll do fine next year. If you need any help or advice, ask me.. hey, that's what friends are for, correct? Please cheer up.. for me, okay?

Thinkin' of you everyday
Feeling in every way
Walking in the cold fall wind
Come to me, so suddenly I told with you everything
Under the evergreen
When the sun was going down
Even when you felt cold I could see the truth right in your eyes
What you said never had any lies
Every time when I was feeling blue
You stood by me
When I used be a child
Believed in wonderland
I've forgotten for long time
Now I see it's in your eyes
What you always said to me
Now I can realize
It's not easy to take it
You said KEEP ON DREAMING
All the troubles we would have gone through
Someday we will make our dreams come true
Now I know you'd make a brand-new start
Please don't look back
I could see the truth right in your eyes
What you said never had any lies
Every time when I was feeling blue
You stood by me
No word to say, no reason why I believe in that you're my best friend
Don't have to cry, Don't say goodbye
'Cause I know that you are my best friend
No word to say, no reason why I believe in that you're my best friend
Don't have to cry, Don't say goodbye
You're the one and only my best friend

..It's this song by Maaya Sakamoto..